The Fritz Report...from somewhere in the future...
Subject: Mellotronists: Puffy's take on Tronto
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 2020 20:36:16 EDT
Well it's been 20 years since the symposium that started the
known in the music industry as "Tronism". For those of you who haven't kept
up with the careers of the original core participants, here is what they've
been up to.
Ken Leonard, founder and editor-in-chief of "Tronity
Fair", has recently
won his fourth Tronathalon. This competition, started by Mr. Leonard,
requires the Tronathelete to carry an M400 on his/her back whilst reciting
the "Rules of Bradley", a collection of angry, bitter and cynical recitatives
on the shortcomings of American lager.
Ken Merbler has recently purchased Florida and changed the state
"The Careful State". After lobbying to no avail for years in the scientific
community for the acceptance of "The Merbler Triangle" as a quantifiable
exception to all known laws of Physics, he was recently vindicated by the
discoveries of President-elect John Mcintyre.
John Mcintyre was recently elected President of the United
States of America as a member of the Trontonians, a very polite splinter of
the Tronists. As President of The UMWSA he will require that the Merbler
Triangle replace the "Food Pyramid" as the basis of nutrition in the midwest.
Mr. Mcintyre discovered that the Merbler Triangle, when applied to daily
nutrition, allows people to tolerate 45% more of Yes' "Tormato" than their
east or west coast couterparts.
Craig Collett, formerly of the legendary Coll Audio, has started a
step program for very fat domestic felines and is, as usual, raking it in.
Jerry Korb was given the honor of "Professor Tronitus"
by the board of
trustees at the Martin Smithsonian institute. As you know, Jerry pioneered
the art of tronography, where light is shot through mellotron tape frames as
they are being played. The resulting light patterns are focused on a strip of
celluloid, developed and sold to unsuspecting Frenchmen as Jerry Lewis
lithographs. Mellotron Archives is rumoured to have duplicated the
proprietary technique and improved upon it, making it louder, more
aggressive, and nearly unintelligible. The MA tron-o-graphs bear a slight
resemblance to aging rock star Chris Dale.
Chris Dale, of the famous Canadian rock band "Chamberlins
released their tenth album entitled " God, I wish my wife would stop buying
Optigans!" The first single "Ay?" was banned by the CBC for its references
Rick Blechta was recently named Musical Director of the Toronto
Symphony Orchestra and his first action as MD was to fire the entire
orchestra. Known as a firebrand in Toronto music circles he was quoted as
saying "I got rid of the whole goddamn bunch of....no I didn't put cow sh*t
on the ....piccolo players? who needs em.....I'll show ya double
tongue....get the hell away from me you tree-huggin son-of -a......can I have
another Zima..no...Guinness ...twelve tone my ass".
The "Jimmy and Joe Show" marks its 20th season on local
television. Its unique combination of balloon puppeteering, searing blues
guitar, and insightful musings on indigineous waterfowl has amused children
of all ages for a long time.
The reclusive Frank Samagaio was spotted towing his MkII around
parking lot of the SanDiego Wal-Mart. Known as the "Howard Hughes" of local
theatre, he rose to national prominence briefly in 2012 for his outrageous
parody of the famous Disney movie "Mary Poppins". "Kiss my Limey Ars"
only two weeks on Broadway but was a critic's darling.
The Artist Formerly Known As Pierre (*&*) recently purchased
mellotron, a custom 5 manual Streetly design incorporating every spare part
they could come up with. *&* recently was entered into the Guinness Book of
Records for being able to play every known Mellotron part ever recorded or
written, even the fabled DixieLand/rock guitar studies pioneered by yours
truly earlier in the millennium.
John Bradley is recovering nicely after his latest breakdown. As
story goes, John became quite irate when a tourist told John that he hailed
from New Jersey. John spat back, "It's New Joisey, New Joisey damn it! There
is NO 'r' sound in New Joisey! Have you no respect for the rules of Bradley?
Go back home and drink your cold refreshing beer and leave the warm flat
stuff for us real men". He then mumbled something about small farm animals as
he was carted off to Carson's Home for the Terminally British where he
continues his studies of nomadic ocean salamander.
Martin Smith founded the Martin Smithsonian Institute, a think
dedicated to discovering a way to reunite the UK with all their former real
estate. Currently the Institute has only been able to convince a small dry
goods store in Taiwan to rejoin the motherland. "Globalization should
continue where it began, here in England", Martin remarked when asked about
his motives for the controversial move. The Institute is also interested in
changing the British pound to the British Ton, to reflect the growing
national waistline. The institute is working with physicist Ken Merbler on a
scheme to stop the rotation of the earth so once again the sun never sets on
the British empire.
As for myself, my plumbing supply concern abrubtly ended in 2009
sold some faulty Keeny valves and Franklin extension joints to the owner of a
gravity operated vacuum suppression filtration unit. I'm sure you can figure out
the rest. Embarrassing, to say the least. Currently I'm working on my
memoirs. The working title is "I'm loud and obnoxious and French people hate
All tomfoolery aside, the Tronto shindig will have a lasting
on me. It reaffirms my belief in the inherrent goodness in people and the
need for more get-togethers where gentle people can share knowledge,
experience and laughter. I am proud to call you all "friends".
Fritz "Puff" Doddy